I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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