her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
