I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
