I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
