chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is Oprah even human
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
