Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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