You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
