Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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