My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
