he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
