Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
