I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail