Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong