You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I intend to get homeless drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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