God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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