ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
