i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
