i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
