I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
