you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
