I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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