mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
