Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
where are my eyebrows?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
