i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
