We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
