call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
