so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
