Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me