The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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