I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
