we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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