that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
