The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
