I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
