Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
