Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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