You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
