If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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