guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
