There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
