I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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