i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
