Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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