I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
