Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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