I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize