a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
