that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
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This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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