I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
