somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know her cup size but not her name....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
