My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
