She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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