I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
