That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
