My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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