found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
