She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize