I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
