Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
