fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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